This is kind of a heavy
piece to post but it has been on my heart for awhile so I thought I'd
share. I know we have all been in
situations like this, both the front side and the back, and can probably
relate. I'm curious as to how you feel
when you are faced with this type of scenario.
A
very good friend of mine I have known for many years is going through a
divorce. She married him less than three
years ago and under circumstances most of us wouldn't have even considered. The fact that the marriage is not sustainable
and divorce is most likely imminent probably would not be of any great surprise
to anyone who knew the full story. But
that isn't the greatest issue here. What
is, is how she is handling it.
When
she married this man, I admit, I wasn't thrilled. In all the years I had known her she had never
mentioned him to me. I only learned of
him a few weeks before their wedding so the fact that she was keeping him a
secret until now made me more than a little wary of what she was doing. To me I couldn't see how marrying him was a
good idea, but she was in love and this is what she wanted to do.
She
had the right to make her own decision. I
supported her in her right to do just that.
Since
they became involved I have watched as she has systematically pushed aside
those she is closest to. Her
relationships with her family and friends have become strained to the point
that she no longer has the circle of love and support she once had. I find this very sad.
As
her marriage has fallen apart she has found it easier to push those that have
stuck by her further away to the point that after awhile we stay away. After all, that is what she wishes and when I
spoke to her the last time she actually admitted to it. She knows she is pushing us away and she
feels completely justified in doing so. In
her own words she is hurt, she is angry and she feels like her world is falling
apart. But the reality is that she is in
this situation because of the choices she has made for herself.
We
are all responsible for our own choices.
The decisions we make have an impact on our lives and quite often those
closet to us. Most of the time our
decisions benefit us in a good way, sometimes not so much, but they are our
decisions and therefore we are the only ones responsible for their outcome. Stuff happens. It is how we handle ourselves that matters
most.
After
meeting with my friend the last time she has since gone on facebook, of all
things, and lashed out at all of the people who have "abandoned her when she
needed them most." I'm sure she
includes me in her list of rotten friends, but honestly you can't have it both
ways. You can't push us away and then
expect us to still be there.
That
being said, when faced with this type of situation I think it is important to
conduct ourselves, in the right manner as well.
There but for the grace of God go
I.
We've
all had our times of crisis and I think it is often easy to be so consumed by
our own situation and get so mired down in it that we forget that there is
other stuff going on in other people's lives.
Tunnel vision can set in and we can't seem to see past our own
problems. Sometimes our worst behavior
comes out and we take aim at the people who love us most and want to help. Quite often the person offering to help is
someone who may need a little help themselves, but they are willing to set
aside their own needs to help you instead.
No
matter what we are going through, we are not the only ones going through something. Someone very close to you may in trouble or
having a difficult time and you may not even be aware of it.
If
you push people away from you enough, eventually they will stay away. It is important not to slap a helping
hand. Don't reject an act of kindness. Don't hurt others because you are hurting. Our opinions and suggestions are not always
welcomed or what is needed.
It
is also important to remember to try your best not to sit in judgment of
other's failings. We all have our own
set. We've all made mistakes and done
things we are not proud of. My beloved
grandmother used to say "we all
have our own box of rocks to pack" and she was right.
So
whether we are in crisis or faced with helping someone who is we need to be
fully aware of what is going on and how we are handling it. We need to be careful.
I have been through this before with "friends" and not all were going through a divorce. I accept that they just don't want to talk about anything and move on. None of us should hound someone to stay in touch. IMO.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. I'm not one to push it. But I have difficulty with the martyr that does this stuff and then complains about the fact that everyone stays away.
DeleteThis post came at the right time as my family is going through something similiar. My son found out my nephew has been cheating on his wife. This has divided our immediate family as my son and I are disappointed and want him to know it and my daughter and husband want to ignore his behavior and continue on as if nothing happened. It is crazy how one person's actions can affect so many lives.
ReplyDeleteAll we can to is be patient and govern ourselves. At the end of the day our actions will matter more than theirs.
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