Extreme Anxiety

Anxiety is a condition that effects countless individuals in a very profound way and I happen to be one of those.  I have suffered with extreme anxiety for as long as I can remember.  Even as a very small child I can remember being fearful of everything.  New experiences and changes terrified me.  My parents were very young when they married and had children and I'm sure I made life challenging, especially for my mother who was a stay at home mom.  But back in those days, this was the sixties, no one recognized or even knew what to do.  So I understand they did the best they could.

I remember my first day of kindergarten.  I was, without a doubt, petrified.  Everyone did their best to prepare me for the inevitable, but I didn't want to leave home or my mom.  I cried so hard I was shuddering and hiccupping, but I was very fortunate to have a kind and compassionate teacher.  She sat me nearby her desk and made sure I was okay.  I liked her immediately.  It was a hard day, but I made it through and I was fine.

The school bus was a whole other ordeal.  Big, loud, noisy and smelly.  All the things that would set me on edge.  The second day of school my poor mother could not get me on that bus to save her soul.  I flipped out in the driveway and the bus left me.  My poor mother was fit to be tied as she tossed me and my baby brother into the car and hurried off toward the school.

The next day Dad stayed home from work (huge deal for him to take time from his job) and he walked my butt to the end of that driveway.  There was no messing with Dad.  I sobbed and sobbed, but I didn't say a word and I got on that bus because I knew what would happen if I didn't.  After making it safely to school and back home again I realized that I was fine.  The next day I got on the bus without a fuss.  I'm sure my mother was greatly relieved.

Doctors, dentists, you name it and I was terrified.  I can remember sitting in the waiting room with my little brother staring at me like I was crazy.  I was already crying when we left the house so you can imagine what I was like by the time we got there.  My mother, I'm sure, was embarrassed and frustrated as she dragged me into the office and then had to sit there in front of everyone while I wailed.  Everything was such an ordeal.

And if my grandmother couldn't babysit, forget about it.  My parents were hard pressed to go anywhere.  Babysitters?  Are you kidding?  My mom's main outlet as a stay at home mom was to go bowling.  She was really good at it too and belonged to a women's league.  One day my grandma could babysit and mom decided to try the daycare at the bowling alley.  She pretty much knew it would be a disaster, and it was.  My brother was happy as a clam and his big sister was at the door going ballistic.  They finally called my mom to come down and get me.  I spent the entire time sitting in a hard plastic seat watching the ladies bowl.  I was happy because I could see my mom.  She, on the other hand was furious.  When we got home I was sent to my room for the day.  Not an uncommon punishment for my constant "carrying on".

Kids with extreme anxiety tend to eat weird things.  I was a fuzz eater.  I picked all the fuzz off of my teddy bear and ate it until she was bald.  Then I started to work on my brother's until he got wise and started hiding him.  I also managed to put large bald spots on the pretty pink blanket my mother put on my bed.  My best friend in grade school ate crayons.  We must have been drawn to each other for what we recognized in one another.  Kindred spirits I suppose.  She tried not to eat crayons (can you imagine the temptation lying about everywhere in a grade school?).  I remember one day on the playground I noticed she had green wax on her two front teeth.  When I asked her about it she told me it was medicine to help her stop eating crayons.  She was my best friend so I pretended to believe her.  I'm pretty sure I was still eating fuzz at the time.

As I grew older my anxiety seemed to get better.  Not that I outgrew it, but after more experiences and understanding that not everything that happens to us is bad I figured out ways to cope.  To the best of my ability anyway.  But having anxiety as your constant companion takes its toll on a person.  And of course I grew up in a family and a time when you didn't talk about this kind of stuff.  It wasn't until I was in my early forties that I finally mustered up the courage to get some professional help.

After a little more than a year of some pretty intensive therapy I was able to gain a whole new perspective and understanding of what anxiety is and how it affects me.  My condition is real, not just in my head, and I found out I could do something about it.  I'm not crazy, I don't have "issues", it isn't my fault, it is not a weakness or an illness, it just is.  Simply put, it is how I'm wired.  It has been a process learning how to handle my "complicated wiring" and I work on it every single day.  Every day I start again.

In addition to learning certain techniques and coping skills to better handle situations in my life I also learned how to handle other people.  The odd thing is, that the people closest to you, the ones who should be helping and protecting you are often times the ones that treat you the worst, at least that was the case for me.  It was a hard one to come to grips with, even harder was to remove that element from my life.  It wasn't easy, in fact it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but since I did it, things have dramatically improved for me.

And while I feel badly that I'm not able to endure having those people in my life, especially since most of them are my family, I do not regret my decision.  The people in my life now are the people that belong here.  I still have some family members in my life - my aunts, my uncle and some cousins that love, care and encourage me.  Sadly my grandparents are gone now, they were always wonderful.  But I am also hugely blessed to have the best group of friends a girl could ever ask for.  Talk about protective and encouraging, holy cow!  They are my family as well.

My reason for sharing this with you is not to garner any type of sympathy.  Quite the contrary.  It is simply to share a little more about myself and to tell you that no matter what obstacles we face we can learn to adapt.  There are lots of things we can do.  Plenty we can learn.  And it is okay to ask for help when we need it.

Life can be really difficult sometimes, but at the end of the day it is still good.  In fact,  it is very good.  Take care my friends and enjoy this blessed day.