Now That I'm Out

 

I submitted my resignation, my last day of work was March 31st and my first official day of retirement began on April Fool's Day of all days.  Am I a fool?  I now know I would've been a fool to continue working.

 

I placed myself on house arrest for the entire month of April and even went so far as to declare it a no spend month.  I know me.  Before I even submitted my resignation I was making lists of all the things I needed to get done right out of the chute.  The list was HUGE and ridiculous.  I threw it away.  I knew I wasn't in very good shape, physically or mentally.  I just didn't realize how bad I actually was until I was face to face with myself every day, no distractions. The sheer physical exhaustion was almost overwhelming.  I couldn't seem to get enough rest, I was so incredibly tired.  The emotional exhaustion was unbelievable too.  Those first few weeks were a struggle and initially I kept chastising myself for not being productive or motivated enough.  Once I realized what I was doing I stopped that.

 

Fortunately, I've had plenty of time to come to terms with all the things I've been feeling, thinking and dealing with.  The biggest realization occurred one morning when I woke up with this one very real thought.  My workplace was incredibly toxic.  The environment and the culture in which we worked was not mentally healthy and the sheer enormity of the amount of work each of us was expected to perform was outrageous.  It is no wonder so many of my colleagues are sick and several have actually died.  Young.  Stress makes people ill and it will kill you.  Oddly, I almost feel like I was released from prison and now I'm having to acclimate to life on the outside.  It is really hard to describe.

 

Now I get up each morning and I thank the Lord for the day he has given me.  I sip my coffee and I breathe.  I only do the things I want to do.  It has been just over a year since my last heart attack at the age of 56 and now, I finally get to heal.  My only focus is to get better, stronger and to have my life back.  On my terms.  No giant lists of things I need to get done, no commitments or obligations I don't want to do.  Just living my best life.  I've got a ways to go, but in time I know I'll get there.