Wednesday, August 21, 2019

I'm Not Perfect



Far from it.  In fact, I make a lot of mistakes.  I don't always make the right decisions or say the right things.  But I try, really, really hard.  I do my best every day to be a good person and to have a full and productive day.  Most nights I go to bed satisfied that I've done just that.  Some nights not so much.  Every morning on my way to work I pray for patience, guidance if I've got something I'm struggling with and I thank God for the wonderful day he has given me and for all that I have been blessed with.  I do feel that I am truly, truly blessed and I am extremely grateful for all that I have and all that will have.

I love my children so very much and I am so proud of the young ladies my girls are becoming and all that they have accomplished so far.  I hope and pray they have bright and healthy futures ahead for them.  That I have done enough to give them a good start in their adult lives and taught them well, not only how to take care of themselves, but how to treat others as well.  I pray for my son that he will be able to heal inside and some day will decide to return to his family, but have also had to accept that it may never happen.  It has been a long time and unfortunately I just can't fix everything.

I don't expect perfection from my children.  I don't expect it from anybody, but what I do expect and (admittedly) demand is courtesy and respect.  Like anyone, I too want to be treated well by my family, my friends, my co-workers, even complete strangers.  So every day I work on being kind, courteous, respectful to everyone I encounter as I move through my day.  Some days it is harder than others, but I still try.  Even if I don't feel like it.  I do believe you need to give it in order to receive it.

I confess I don't like everybody, but I really do like most of the people I encounter.  I never like to give up on a person and will try for a long time to make a relationship work regardless of how small or large. insignificant or important.  I know I am guilty of giving some people far too many chances to redeem themselves only to take on more hurt or anguish until I cannot do it anymore.  But when I've had enough, I've had enough and I am done.  My biggest flaw may very well be that once I've hit that point I will no longer allow them into my life and I completely shut them out.  Friend or family member, it doesn't matter.  The walls are up and you don't get back in.  The only exception to that I think would be with my children.  There are no walls.  I love them unconditionally, no matter what.

The other day the guys at work told me they know I have a tough as nails exterior but inside I am all "warm and squishy".  They love to tease me that I'm just "a big softie" and constantly threaten to hug me.  I'm not a hugger.  I'll hug my kids and my pets all day long, but that's about it.  My friends know this about me too.  They like to push the issue and I hate it, but I forgive them.  Those that know me best know I'll always go the extra mile, lend a helping hand if I am able, I'm not afraid of hard work, will stand up for myself and others, I love and I am loyal to a fault.  They also know I'm not the person you want to piss off and I have my limits.

It has taken me a long time to be willing and able to set boundaries.  Figuring out what you are willing to put up with and what you are not is difficult.  In the past decade I've been able to do
that and while my boundaries haven't pleased some people I have no regrets about setting them and maintaining them.  Sadly, some of the people in my life have not been able to handle that, but I recognize that isn't a reflection of me, but rather a reflection of them.  Boundaries are really hard for some people.

I don't know it all, I don't understand everything, I make mistakes, I screw stuff up, I say it wrong, I lose my temper, I'm slow to forgive and even slower to forget.  I am far from perfect.  But every morning I get up and start my life again.  Every day is a new beginning and a reason to try harder, to do better and be better.  

Every day.



29 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you Allegra. I was so nervous about posting this.

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  2. What a great posting! It has given me much to think about where I should be focusing. Tea and thinking this morning.

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    1. We need to make the best life for ourselves we possibly can. :o)

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  3. It is clear you are very self aware. That's a good thing and an attribute that many don't have. As you say, start each day anew and do one's best. That's a recipe for success in my mind.

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  4. I was reading your blog this morning and thought - she and I have a lot in common. It really spoke to me. I stick up for those who need it even if it makes me the unpopular one. I believe in justice but also believe that most people are doing the best they can. That being said I don't like to be "stepped"on. I try to do my best every day to be fair, friendly, caring. Some days that is a pretty tall order when things are coming at you or someone tries to make you look bad. I have few friends and more acquaintances. I don't trust easily and get my heart broken when those I trust betray me. I give several chances but when it's over I wish them well and move on. My kids and my granddaughter are the loves of my life. I pray for them and try to always be there encouraging and doing what I can. I hope I have given them a foundation but question myself at times. I was a single mom and I never felt I had done it all right but you can say I tried my very best. One has strayed away from me (he now lives 2500 miles away but we are strengthening our relationship one call at a time) and we have dealt with addiction challenges with the other who is the oldest. Thankfully he has been good for the last 5+ years after an intense 1 1/2 year program. Life is good for the most part. I appreciate you and your blog as I am not as active outside my home as I once was. (heart challenges) so some of my "friends" reach me through the internet. You have done so well with your girls. I pray that your son finds his way back to family. I know there have been many days when all I could do was pray for my boys and hope they could find their way back. Enjoy your life and your girls. It sounds like you are a person who finds joy and happiness in being a mom and I certainly admire all you accomplish. Take care and have a great week.

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    1. I think we are kindred spirits. I always enjoy your comments as you come across as such a positive person. I always admire that. Thank you for being a huge part of this blog and my life.

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    2. Thank you so much for the kind words. I too have felt like we are kindred spirits. I enjoy you and your blog so much. I feel that people are drawn to those who are like them. You have an amazing life that you have made for you and your girls. I will keep your family in my prayers. I also pray your son will come back to the family. Take care and I look forward to each and every glimpse into your life. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

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    3. It is my pleasure to share and I'm always amazed that people are interested. It is such a joy for me to do this blog. I'll pray for your health as well my friend. Enjoy your day.

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  5. I agree with Allegra. Very well said!

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  6. Everything you said here is me too, although I have a feeling I'm probably a lot weaker than you:) You have to choose your battles, I think it's a healthy way to live and I prefer to keep me and my family drama-free.

    I'm sorry about your son, my sister was in a similar situation and cut all communication with the whole family for decades (it was devastating to my mother). About ten years ago she came back to us and I have to tell you I am so thankful she did. We are all so very close now. I hope this happens for your son too.

    Like you, I work on my patience every day. It is so challenging sometimes, like yesterday ... I lost it a bit dealing with a rude driver (I live in L.A.), not one of my shining moments in front of my daughter.

    Thank you for your honesty, let's just keep doing our best :)

    D.

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    1. Sometimes I "let my human hang out". Oops! It happens. This life we lead. All we can to is keep on trying. :o)

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  7. You are special to me, and I care about you. If we lived closer to each other, I suspect we would be good friends. I also suspect that you have been dealing with some difficult problems in this area...or it wouldn't be on your mind. We don't expect perfection from you...just honesty and clarity. And we get that. Hang in there, girl.

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    1. You are probably right my dear! I think we would be great friends. XXX

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  8. I can definitely relate to everything you wrote. (long time reader\lurker. I enjoy hearing about all the cool ways you've researched and learned to fix things.) Don't apologize for doing what you need to do for boundries. It took me a long time to set up boundries, too, and sometimes there is still a permanent door slam when necessary. I recently found out I have the INFJ personality type, the Myers Briggs test based on Carl Jung's work, and it's made me feel so much better learning that the INFJ does the door slam to protect themselves after giving much more than necessary to keep the peace. I agree with you, when I've had enough, the person basically no longer exists for me. I always wondered why I was like that, among other introverted peculiarities, like even tho I enjoy talking one on one with people, but I get exhausted quickly by it and need a rest day. I dread parties, even if I know people. I try to see the whole picture and consider all sides before making a decision about anything or anyone. You sound like an INFJ,too. If you are interested, here is a link to an introvert blog
    https://introvertdear.com/news/infj-personality-type-signs/. I enjoy your blog, keep writing! - Lisa B.😀

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    1. I did that test! My girls talked me into it a couple years ago. Wow! Did it ever nail it right on the head. So glad you commented Lisa. Hope to hear from you again.

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    2. I'm an INFJ too. Apparently it's the least common Myers Briggs personality type, yet I know so many it's unreal. Guess we sniff each other out lol.

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  9. In other words, you are human. We all face the same issues and deal with them the best we can. I read your blog everyday and admire you immensely. You are a dedicated, loving Mom. You really work harder than any woman I know. You can do more in a day that most women do in a month. You are self reliant, generous, caring - a good cook - I wish I handled my money as well as you. Relationships with people are difficult at best. Toxic people are dangerous to our wellbeing - all of us deal with toxic people and sometimes, sadly, we must part. So I give you an A plus in everything - because you deserve it... Mary Ellen (no hug)

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    1. Aw, Mary Ellen, you are too kind. Thank you so very much. Yes, we are all human and we all have our things to deal with. So true.

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    2. Anonymous (Mary Ellen): I love your "(no hug)"
      Too funny!

      D.

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  10. You've done a wonderful expression of your self-analysis and your self-care. Yea you! Kudos for putting your self first-no one else will. Setting boundaries is so very challenging and then, as you say, others don't like them. I'm with you! I too have set some boundaries and they are not getting back in whether or not they understand. Kindred spirit for sure!

    You have 2 very lucky daughters. They were specially CHOSEN by you to be a family. They have learned unconditional love, making sound choices, how to make a family, how to make a home and care for it. Many kids should be so lucky! And I sense that your girls know and appreciate how lucky they are to be YOUR daughters :-)

    Take good care. I look forward to reading your new posts :-)

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    1. Thank you Elle. You are so sweet. More posts are coming!

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  11. Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing.
    Jeannie@GetMeToTheCountry

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