This is kind of a heavy piece to post but it has been on my heart for awhile so I thought I'd share. I know we have all been in situations like this, both the front side and the back, and can probably relate. I'm curious as to how you feel when you are faced with this type of scenario.
A very good friend of mine I have known for many years is going through a divorce. She married him less than three years ago and under circumstances most of us wouldn't have even considered. The fact that the marriage is not sustainable and divorce is most likely imminent probably would not be of any great surprise to anyone who knew the full story. But that isn't the greatest issue here. What is, is how she is handling it.
When she married this man, I admit, I wasn't thrilled. In all the years I had known her she had never mentioned him to me. I only learned of him a few weeks before their wedding so the fact that she was keeping him a secret until now made me more than a little wary of what she was doing. To me I couldn't see how marrying him was a good idea, but she was in love and this is what she wanted to do.
She had the right to make her own decision. I supported her in her right to do just that.
Since they became involved I have watched as she has systematically pushed aside those she is closest to. Her relationships with her family and friends have become strained to the point that she no longer has the circle of love and support she once had. I find this very sad.
As her marriage has fallen apart she has found it easier to push those that have stuck by her further away to the point that after awhile we stay away. After all, that is what she wishes and when I spoke to her the last time she actually admitted to it. She knows she is pushing us away and she feels completely justified in doing so. In her own words she is hurt, she is angry and she feels like her world is falling apart. But the reality is that she is in this situation because of the choices she has made for herself.
We are all responsible for our own choices. The decisions we make have an impact on our lives and quite often those closet to us. Most of the time our decisions benefit us in a good way, sometimes not so much, but they are our decisions and therefore we are the only ones responsible for their outcome. Stuff happens. It is how we handle ourselves that matters most.
After meeting with my friend the last time she has since gone on facebook, of all things, and lashed out at all of the people who have "abandoned her when she needed them most." I'm sure she includes me in her list of rotten friends, but honestly you can't have it both ways. You can't push us away and then expect us to still be there.
That being said, when faced with this type of situation I think it is important to conduct ourselves, in the right manner as well. There but for the grace of God go I.
We've all had our times of crisis and I think it is often easy to be so consumed by our own situation and get so mired down in it that we forget that there is other stuff going on in other people's lives. Tunnel vision can set in and we can't seem to see past our own problems. Sometimes our worst behavior comes out and we take aim at the people who love us most and want to help. Quite often the person offering to help is someone who may need a little help themselves, but they are willing to set aside their own needs to help you instead.
No matter what we are going through, we are not the only ones going through something. Someone very close to you may in trouble or having a difficult time and you may not even be aware of it.
If you push people away from you enough, eventually they will stay away. It is important not to slap a helping hand. Don't reject an act of kindness. Don't hurt others because you are hurting. Our opinions and suggestions are not always welcomed or what is needed.
It is also important to remember to try your best not to sit in judgment of other's failings. We all have our own set. We've all made mistakes and done things we are not proud of. My beloved grandmother used to say "we all have our own box of rocks to pack" and she was right.
So whether we are in crisis or faced with helping someone who is we need to be fully aware of what is going on and how we are handling it. We need to be careful.