Tuesday, October 3, 2017

By Sharing Our Stories We Create A Community


I learned about this concept quite some time ago, but it took me awhile before I felt comfortable enough to share one of mine.  Last month I shared a little bit about my personal struggle with anxiety.  This was not easy for me to do, in fact, it was rather difficult.  I wrote that post, I re-wrote that post and then it sat in my queue for quite some time ready to delete at any moment.  But I held true and let it launch on its scheduled date.

There is a community of people that share in this same challenge and we can support each other and not feel alone in this.  The outpouring of kind comments and those that have shared their own personal story has really touched me.  Only two people were less than kind.  Normally this would have upset me terribly, but I took a practical look at their responses and approached it from a healthy perspective.  My thought was simply this.  Someone shares that they have an issue with anxiety and your response is to antagonize them?  Seriously?  What is wrong with you?  And then I let it go.  After I tagged them for spam.

In that post I touched on something briefly that I want to talk about a little more.  It was a difficult and painful decision, but one I felt I desperately needed to make.  I walked away from my family.

I did that.  No one asked me too, no one invited me, no one demanded it.  I made that decision.  It was something I felt very strongly that I needed to do to take care of myselfI am the one that cannot cope with the family dynamics.  That is on me and I take full responsibility for that.

Was it easy?  Absolutely not.  Do I love my family?  I truly do.  Did I upset and hurt people?  Undoubtedly.  Do I wish things were different?  Of course.  If I could go back in time would I change my decision?  No.

I was crumbling and eroding away.  Two decades of life experiences were taking their toll.  I felt like an old house with a weak foundation that was giving way and in desperate need of rebuilding.  At the time I was back in therapy after a two year reprieve and I felt like I was almost back at the beginning.  My therapist asked me point blank why I felt I needed to maintain relationships that required me to be in therapy in order to keep them?  After two sessions I knew that I could not make this situation better.  So I made a decision.

Now, four years later, my foundation is strong, the walls have been rebuilt and there is a solid roof over my head.  I see things much more clearly through the windows and there is a door to let people in.  There is also a lock on that door to keep people out.  I work on the maintenance of this metaphoric house every single day.  As it sits you'd be hard pressed to push it over.  I am strong and getting stronger.

I am blessed to have good, healthy, strong relationships with my friends and certain family members.  We put up with each other's crap and we love unconditionally.  We all have our faults, our quirks and our weaknesses but we also understand that and accept each other for who we are.  We have a lot of good things to offer.  It is a good place to be.

It is where I need to be.



20 comments:

  1. Just like with the anxiety - I also share this with you. I walked away from my family too - after years and years of being the "black sheep" - the final straw being when my mother stole my information to open a line of credit. I walked away, and I never looked back - it has been ten years. Ten years of peace. It was too many years of not measuring up, not being good enough, being lied about and living thru an abusive childhood. It is okay to walk away from your family when they are toxic to you. We would not tolerate that behavior from strangers - why must we do just because you share the same blood with someone. Thank you for sharing your story, it brings comfort.

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    1. I'm sure it was a difficult decision to make, but I bet you are much stronger as a result. I really appreciate you sharing your story. I don't think anyone truly appreciates how difficult this is unless they've been there themselves.

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  2. Families are difficult. After I gave up a summer to stay with my mom after heart surgery (so she could stay home, rather than go to a care facility), my brother recently accused me of 1)killing her, because her health has never fully come back (which is true), and 2) doing it because I had a guilty conscience (which wasn't true). He lives 15-20 min. drive from her, and basically stops to see her when he needs something, or wants to work on the cars he stores in her garage. The summer I stayed with her, he rarely stopped...and to make things worse, his wife kept talking about how easy it would be to transfer Mom permanently to a care facility from rehab. (Which was one of the major reasons she was scared to death of entering a rehab clinic.)
    She does NOT need to be in a care facility. She takes care of herself just fine, with occasional help we hire. We pay for it -- Brother and wife don't pay a cent.
    We co-hosted an 80th birthday party for Mom this summer. (Brother and wife shared in the kudos...though they never mentioned that they had planned to do nothing. We were the ones that persuaded them differently.) We stop and see their kids and grandkids -- and them -- regularly when we visit in Michigan...usually once a year, sometimes more.
    They have not been to our home in Colorado for 13 or 14 years.
    At least, thanks to the party, they're speaking to us again. Husband says we need to sit down with them, and discuss the events of the summer Mom was sick. (Three years ago, by the way...and not a word mentioned by Brother about this until August this year.) Husband is right...and I'm guessing Brother will admit other subjects were bothering him, so that's why he made those mean accusations.
    But it doesn't stop the pain. And it hurts more because my own brother said it. (And his wife has not been much of a help, either.)
    They continue to treat my mom with benign neglect -- something that REALLY bothers our daughters, as well as us.
    So you are not the only one to struggle with the family issue.
    I am glad to hear, however, that your house still has a front door. They may not deserve to be let in...but you still need to keep the door unlocked.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this Cindy. It sounds like you've really been through it. Mom too. I hate the thought that she even has to fear the possibilty of being sent to a nursing home. How terrible for her. I pray she stays well.

      As far as the door goes, it locks and it unlocks. But there are those that won't be allowed entry and that is because of their own actions, definitely not mine.

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  3. You don't need to respond to this in comments...but won't you do a post about your kitties? We haven't seen them for ages, and I am wondering especially how Leonard is doing. (Yes, the world is in chaos, and I am concerned about a cat. Go figure.)

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    1. Awwww, so sweet of you to inquire. I will definitely give an update. :)

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  4. I am so sorry about the unkind comments you received. You're right, there is something wrong with them in doing that, it's so obvious. I'm glad you didn't let it get to you.

    Distancing yourself from toxic family is a VERY healthy thing that must be done sometimes. It takes a strong person to do it. I've done the same with close friends. It's painful but must be done to save yourself and health.

    I'm glad you are surrounded now with true friends and of course your gorgeous daughters! I continue to be inspired by you and your girls every time you post and I appreciate it so much when you share the more trying times.

    Thank you so much!
    D.

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    1. I truly appreciate your kind words. In spite of everything I still feel blessed and always grateful. I have a wonderful like and my daughters are my reward. They are so very special.

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  5. You sound like a very smart and wise woman. A family member struggles with extreme anxiety. It has a huge impact on her life. One day at a time is all we can do.

    No one understands until they have anxiety or live with someone who has it. Even then, I can only imagine the struggle.

    Thanks for sharin and I love your blog, Janie

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    1. Thank you Janie. I'm so glad you enjoy the blog. I love to write it and share with all of you. I have come to know so many wonderful people as a result.

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  6. This is so good! I have learned the same thing about some family members. I haven't cut anyone completely off, but have put a huge distance between myself and some of them. Whenever I'm around them, I am reminded of why the distance is needed. Good for you for looking out for you and your girls' best interests!

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    1. For years I tried distance hoping that would do the trick, but unfortunately it didn't. I can honestly say I have tried everything possible, but at the end of the day the only behavior you can change is your own.

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  7. (((((((HUGS))))) my friend. I appreciate your openness and honesty. You and I do have a lot in common in things that we are both dealing with. We had another incident with our "problem relatives" within the past few days and we chose to not be sucked in again and recognized the mind games being played for what they are. No contact has been a very freeing thing for us.

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    1. Bless you Debbie. I know how hard this is for you right now, especially with all you have been going through. My heart goes out to you and your sweet hubby.

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  8. Good for you! You have every right to share about what you want to on your own blog, set limits with how you allow people (family or not) to treat you, and to block them from your life however you need to in order to live in peace. You are empowering yourself, modeling healthy boundaries for your girls, and in sharing your struggles and triumphs with us, you are empowering us too! Thank you!

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    1. Thank you Teresa for your kind words of support and encouragement. I felt I could share because of people like you.

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  9. Oh my. Thank you for being open and sharing. It is so hard. Someday, maybe I will have your strength and be able to open up also.
    Jeannie

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    1. All in due time and when you are ready. You are strong no matter what.

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  10. Honey,there are very toxic people in the world. They poison the very air they breathe. I have not seen my family since 1979,I fled and never looked back. They were abusive people. It was hard to not see my mother ever again, but she was never a mother to me. No one deserves to suffer because of of a genetic connection to bad people. You live your life, fill it with beauty and joy.
    I love your blog. I am a new reader,but I'm am reading it from the beginning now. I also wanted to recommend a book called frugal luxury. It is full of finding the beauty in everyday living. I think you would love it. Thanks for sharing what was so painful. And for letting me know, I am not alone.


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    1. Hi Savannah! I appreciate you sharing your own experience. Yes, we do deserve to fill our lives with beauty and joy. I'm glad you found us and are enjoying the blog. Thank you too for the book suggestion. I'll have to look that one up.

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Your kind comments are always appreciated. I love hearing from you.

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